TTC on year on...

WOW. It has been a whole year since I last updated this blog. We started our first IVF cycle as planned last year but this didn't go well. My wife under responded and our cycle got cancelled. We managed to convert it over to IUI as she did have 2 follicles that had grown. The result of this was a BFN. It was really difficult as IVF is suppose to be some miracle intervention and everybody seems to have such success with it. After this failure, we ended up taking a break for several reasons.

She had been suffering from stomach pain for a few months and the drs had put this down to indigestion and had put her on an antacid. During the beginning half of last year, the attacks started to get more frequent and she was referred for scans etc. and it turns out she had gall stones and subsequently her liver function was all over the place. She was put on a waiting list to have her gall bladder out. We couldn't have carried on TTC with all this happening so we had to wait. In the end this was done in July. She then had to recover from this. Her liver function went back to normal and the pain attacks stopped. Apparently her gall bladder was chronically messed up and was definitely something that had to be removed. She also ended up with a post surgery infection too due to the infected gall bladder. We spent a glamorous evening down at the walk in center. This cleared up though with antibiotics.

We also bought our very first home last year and moved in, in August. It is a 3 bed with lots of room to grow our family. While renting would not have been the end of the world, it is so lovely owning our own home. As we had prioritized IVF, it was something we thought was years off. Thankfully our parents clubbed together and gave us the remaining money we needed towards a deposit, so we used the rest of our savings on our house deposit. We are glad we did though. As this house feels special and I have an overwhelming sense of being 'home' whenever i walk through the front door.

We decided that following the failure of IVF #1 and the fact we were unable to continue with egg sharing, which made their prices more reasonable, we decided to move clinics as we had not been happy with the care we received and also the extra costs that they added on to cycles, that were not only unnecessary but something that our other local clinic did not even do. Our first clinic insisted on me having an infection screen done to check for HIV, HEP B etc under the guise of 'welfare of the child' and tried charging £150 for the privilege. Luckily I donate blood and they were willing to accept a letter from then saying that I carried no blood borne viruses. They also got really arsey when I would not give consent for my physical description to go on their sperm donor match form. I pointed out that as a female, I did not want an exact match to my features and would just like my hair and eye colour noted. I also pointed out that I was a heath care professional who was paying thousands to have a child so the whole welfare of the child thing is complete bollocks, as I could have had sex with any old bloke and got pregnant. They also charged £750 for their sperm and if we were to import it from another clinic they wanted to charge us £500 just for importing it (not including cost of the sperm and shipping that we would have had to have paid!) They also used to shout confidential information out at the reception desk which was directly next to the waiting room, so the entire of the city new that they had cancelled our cycle and pretty much the whole tale. The final nail in the coffin was when our second scan showed she was still under responding and the nurse said "Are you actually injecting the medication?" as if we were just squirting it out of the window (also bearing in mind I administer injections as part of my job!). It was the most patronizing stupid comment ever.

When we moved to our new clinic, I asked when I needed my bloods taken, and they were like erm what are you talking about? Turns out they don't do them and the sperm matching was literally just her handing us a list and being like "Pick one?" and when we said that we were thinking of shipping sperm from America and inquired about the additional costs, she was like erm what additional costs? You just pay for the sperm and shipping. I even asked her again confused and said "Yes, but how much do you charge us for not using your sperm bank?" She looked at me really weird and just repeated "Nothing" haha. We seemed so perplexed by the difference in both their attitude and practice. It was a pleasant surprise though.

Another issue that cropped up was that when we referred ourselves to our local NHS attached clinic, we also transferred my wife's endocrine care from London due to her raised prolactin. She met with the new consultant in November who got a copy of her notes from London and immediately thought she saw a tumour on her pituitary MRI that had been missed. She ordered a repeat MRI and sure enough, she does have a benign tumour! She restarted her medication for this in January and her Prolactin levels are now much lower again. We were suppose to start IVF#2 a month ago, but her CD2 bloods noted her elevated Prolactin and the fertility consultant would not let us continue with the cycle until her levels were reduced. We found our last week that her levels have gone from 1100 down to 500. So he's given us the thumbs up to start.

Today is CD 1... Scan and LH/FSH bloods in the morning and we start stabbing on Friday morning. We have had all the bloods in our fridge for a month now, after the false start of last month. We are just keen to get going now

Sorry this post has been very word heavy. Having a year off TTC has been difficult but we are in a much better postion now than we were a year ago. My wife is in much better health (we didn't know she wasnt last year though) and we have our lovely home and a clinic that I have faith in.

Hopefully in November, we will be introducing our little pumpkin :)

This will be our year

Goodbye 2014! Hello 2015!

2014 has been a pretty good year. Especially for my wife. She started her new job in January on a rotation post, she then secured a non rotation post in her favourite place and to top it off got a promotion a few months later and hopped up a band completely. This was such a relief as we were worried that leaving London and moving up north would hinder careers more, but that hasn't been the case. I would have moved up my banding more in London but I will catch up in a year or so and I enjoy my job more here so it is worth it.The NHS is just as political but the staff are far friendlier and that makes all the difference. I also finally got my driving licence which was something I had been putting off and dreading and it was my 2014 new years resolution and after failing 3 times it was 4th time lucky in November :)

My nephew also started school and we have really got to know him and he is such an awesome funny guy, before the move we only got to see him occasionally and didnt have a close relationship like we do now. We also reconnected with my old best friend and her husband. I have known her since primary school and we lost touch a bit when we both went away to university and they had a beautiful baby girl in March so it has been lovely getting to know old friends again, making new friends and seeing much more of my family again which was a main point to our move up


My wife also lost 2.5 stone and got her reproductive system the seal of approval to commence with IVF egg sharing. We start our first cycle in 27 days! Essentially her next period is when we get stabby stabby and hopefully finally become mummies. We did our last home insemination in March 2014 and applied for egg sharing in May so we are glad we are almost there. We started trying in January 2013 so it feels like 2 years of hoping and praying and we really hope that we get first time lucky with IVF!

We are also converting our Civil Partnership over to a marriage too in a couple of weeks on our second wedding anniversary :)

Flipping heck

Everything is going to plan and we are starting IVF Next month :D Sperm is reserved and we will commence stabbing in around 5 or 6 weeks.

Guns are blazing!

Exciting news! We have been matched with a egg recipient and donor sperm and start treatment in probably January if everything goes to plan. So exciting :) Happened way sooner than we anticipated which is obviously awesome! We can't wait to get going but it is also terrifying!

Eeeeeee x

Still waiting

We have now been waiting for 1 month and I havn't bugged the clinic yet :)

Estimated waiting time was 3 months so potentially 2 months to go. Though we are being realistic and it may be a bit longer. Time is going pretty fast though. been doing alot of nights which always makes the weeks fly by.

Protocol

Yesterday we had our first consulation with the consultant and we discussed proceedings and were given our ivf protocol. She is going to be on a short protocol. It was exciting and makes it feel very real. After 2 years of dreaming about our family and trying for a year in 2013, we are finally getting there :) The only thing slightly dudusjshwur was that she is CMV negative which means it will be a bit harder to match us with donor sperm but we will be waiting around 3 months on average for a egg recipient match so hopefully it will all come together.

By new year I hope this is all
sorted

Post appointment caramel latte before a long night shift and waiting room entertainment. Wheres Wally? :D

Green light

We had a lovely weekend after spending the past couple of weeks working long and different schedules. Friday night we went to the cinema and had our first Pumpkin Spice latte of the year. Then Saturday we met a couple of friends and their 6 month old daughter for breakfast and then we went for lunch with my sister at a lovely garden centre that do amazing cakes etc too. and we looked round the antique centre in the village. Today we chilled out and went for a coffee and a walk around a local museum and park. Autumn is definitely in the horizon and it is our favourite season.

On Saturday we got home to a letter on the doorstep which was from the fertility clinic telling us that my wife has been accepted for egg sharing IVF. We have an appointment with the consultant in 10 days time to discuss things in more depth etc and are just waiting for a recipient match now, which will hopefully only take a couple of months. It is very exciting knowing that all we are waiting for now is a match and then we will be starting IVF. Waiting times can be days to months depending on how many other donors they have with the same chacteristics etc. We were told they have more donors than recipients at present due to a recruitment drive but we are hoping that as recipients also know they have no waiting list that more women needing donor eggs will be going through the doors. We are just hoping that by new year we are starting, as that will be something to celebrate and a good way to start a new year.

My wife is also still going with her weight loss and now is only 5lbs away from her first target of getting her BMI to 29. Considering she started with a BMI of 36, she is is doing amazing and I am so proud of her. She is always beautiful to me but it is nice knowing we are going into this in the best possible shape. I am sure she will probably even get it down to 25 by the time we start. She is awesome.

So hopefully 2015 will be our year finally x

Counselling

Yesterday we had our fertility counselling session which wasn't what we expected but was still nice. We expected more of a grilling, but actually it was more like a discussion on the ins and outs of sperm and egg donation from a legal point of view. We expected to be asked our feelings on a child knocking on our door in 18 years time, but this never came up. We didn't come away knowing anything more than what we already knew, though it was good to sit on a comfy sofa next to my wife and daydream about being parents and how good it will feel both being mums and equal legal parents someday to our children. I feel lucky to live in a country where we are afforded such a great thing. I feel happy too knowing that we will be giving half our eggs to another woman who will also become a mother, or at least expand her brood.

Following our counselling session we had our appointment to have bloods done to check for various infections and genetic things. At this appointment we also filled out the paperwork for the HFEA to become an official egg donor. My wife's physical stats were taken down and her interest and hobbies. We also filled a form out about our sperm donor requirements. The only sticking point for me, was that they wanted my height, weight and build for the sperm matching which I refused to give. Are they going to find a donor with breasts and a vagina? I can understand how this is relevent for a heterosexual couple where the man would like to find a donor with his frame etc but realistically this isn't applicable to me and I don't want my stats to assist with being matched with a man!

I told her that I would give this information to the DR when we saw him if it really was needed. She said it would be as it is important for 'welfare of the child'. I know I have several extra pounds and my BMI is more 35 than 25, but I am by no means in any category that would see me an unfit parent. I don't drink or smoke and I lead a healthy lifestyle, more so than many parents out there. Especially the ones on crack.

I have struggled with my weight and self image since I was a child and I am not paying a clinic £1000's of pounds to fuck me off and antagonise me. She also threw in that as I wanted to also do ivf in the future that her noting my weight down had some sort of relevance, like no, because when my time comes, my BMI will be 29, I will be getting matched with a female and not a man and it will be relevant.

I really like our clinic and everybody is so lovely, but I went to the appointment after a manic long stressful night shift and we were waiting for an hour between appointments due to a delay so it was lunchtime by the time we left and I was exhausted and a surprise weigh in just wasn't something that was going to happen, nor was my build (medium) getting noted on a sperm match form!

Before the appointment we went for breakfast at Carluccios, which was lovely and then we discovered a really great coffee shop with chesterman sofas and nice tasting coffee, somewhere that is going to become a regular I am sure. I love going to the clinic and a coffee date with my wife, though I hope we never have to face the day where the gods are not in our favour as we know that sometime we may have to face the downs that come with IVF sometimes.

I so want this to work first time

Happiness

I have the best wife ever. The past 3 years have been the happiest I have ever been. I honestly feel so incredibly lucky to have her in my life. From the day that I met her, she has made my life infinitely richer. She is so beautiful, caring and strong and I appreciate every day we have together. Yes we have days when we bicker or are too tired and stressed but we also have many days that melt away where only we exist.

She is my favourite person in the whole universe and I am so grateful to be in love with my best friend.

She is also doing fantastic with losing weight and is 25lb's down and only has 10lbs to go to get her BMI to 29. She plans to lose some more too but to get below 30 is the main goal. We are glad our clinic accepts bmi's below 35 if you are losing weight, because if we had to start all these testing stages once she had lost weight, we would be waiting even longer for this to happen. Ironically it was her slimming world leader who suggested our clinic as she had donated eggs and knew the BMI criteria, so it gave us the head start to apply at the start of her weight loss journey especially as we knew the process took on average 6 months

Someday I know we will great mums. I have faith that it will happen and when it does, it is going to be AWESOME

Sperm hunt

I am finding this wait now between appointments quite challenging. Thankfully life is busy at the moment so time is flying by and tomorrow it will be 2 weeks til our counselling session and 'big bloods.'

We have also been looking into our options more when it comes to sperm. Initially we just presumed we would use the clinics own bank, as it is cheaper initially and easier, but then we keep getting told of the shortage and how you could be waiting several months for a match and then you get very little information about the donor, just basic profile really. We have therefore decided that we are going to go down the route of importing sperm from Denmark, which initially costs £600 more but after 3 cycles we will recoup it back by saving £200 a cycle as sperm and shipping combined is cheaper than one vial in uk. The initial extra cost is £800 for a pregnancy slot, as in the UK only 10 families can be created from one donor and we have to pay for this law! I think it is a good thing but also a pain that we have to pay for a law we didn't create! It also is a joke because they could have 100 further children in Denmark anyway.

We briefly considered importing from America as they do not charge a pregnancy slot and meet this cost themselves and have a large selection of donors including adult pictures, but they do not buy back unused sperm and shipping is more costly and our clinic do not have a relationship with them like they do with the Danish one so they will charge us extra to import and store.

It is a minefield.

We will still have more choice in Denmark sperm bank than UK and can see a more in depth profile and baby photos. We want to have 2 or 3 children so obviously sperm is a long term investment in the mission to complete our family and we are thinking not only about baby no 1. but hopefully their brother and sisters to come :)

Seeing a baby photo will help ease my anxiety about inadvertently choosing a donor with ridiculously strong features that the child inherits and will ease that small place in my mind that will be trying to suss out if he or she resembles the donor. While I do not care ultimately who or what our children look like, I would love for them to look like my wife, because she is beautiful and I love her and I dislike the fact it will never be both our DNA in our bundles of Joy and so I at least want to see what the donor looks like so I know at least this much.

Roll on two weeks, so we can then sit around and do more waiting

Waiting for the next appointment...

We have got our appointment for counselling and further bloods in 4 weeks time. The bloods take 4 weekish to come back so hopefully in 8 weeks we will be on the list and waiting for a match and sperm. This can take days to months. We have mentally prepared ourselves for a 3 month wait, any longer than this and we plan to reassess, though I think there will be an element of we have waited this long. We are keen to avoid paying for a full price cycle as we are very keen to donate eggs too.

I want time to go quick but also realise we need to enjoy life outside of TTC too.

We have everything crossed x

AMH

Good news in our household. My wife not only has a awesome uterus/ovaries but her AMH level has come back and is 36 which puts her in the good bracket. I feel so relieved, as the wait really stressed me out. Not even a bath or chamomile tea worked.

Now we are waiting for the appointment for counselling and 'Big bloods' which test for any infections and make sure you do not carry cystic fibrosis or other possible serious conditions. Fingers crossed we don't have too many weeks to wait for the appointment.

One step nearer.

Eager Beaver

Yesterday we went into the clinic for a scan to check my wife's antra-follicle count which helps determine your ovarian reserve. We also had bloods taken to test AMH level. T was really scared prior to the scan and had convinced herself something would be wrong etc. Thankfully it all went well and her womb lining was thin, she had 24 follicles (16-30 is excellent) and the only downer was a 3cm fibroid that was tucked up in her upper uterine muscle which apparently will pose no problem due to it hiding out of the way. It was really cool getting to see T's uterus and ovaries and I just kept thinking that this is the room where our future child could be collected and where they could be put back in as cute bundles of cells and that one day when I look at a screen of my wife's uterus, I could be staring at our baby's heartbeat.

Afterwards we went for a walk in the park and for breakfast before T headed to work. It was really lovely and filled with positivity.

We now have to wait a week to get the blood results but we have everything crossed. Following that the next step would be big bloods to check for any genetic carrier problems and any infections.

Fingers crossed

My sister has penned the phrase 'Eager Beaver' to describe the journey.

Our first IVF consultation

This afternoon has been pretty lovely.

We had our first consultation today at the fertility clinic and we got a really nice vibe about the place. It is really friendly and they provide nice tea and coffee. Though we were both too nervous to drink anything. Next time we will for sure :) The nurse explained the procedure and we chatted about our options etc. My wife has to go back in 3 weeks or so after her next period to have bloods and a scan to make sure there are no problems. Hopefully that will be ok. If everything goes textbook we will hopefully be ready to commence by Nov/Dec depending on how long we wait for sperm etc. I feel excited. When she talked us through the process, it all started to feel very real. Sitting next to my beautiful wife as we watch our embryo/s getting put inside her uterus is going to be an amazing moment and I just keep focusing on this when everything gets overwhelming. I know after that you have the two week wait and potential BFN and even with a BFP the scope for a category of misfortunes, but right now all i want is that tiny cute little ball of cells and after that a baby would be very much appreciated.

Currently I am dreaming about a blastocyst rather than a baby. Our future blastocyst.

After our appointment we went for coffee and a walk along the river with our dog and held hands and talked and dreamed about everything we have to come. We do this a lot but today it just held more hope than usual

Ivf we know can be a tough old ride, but for now we are positive and energised and I honestly cannot wait to jab my best friend and future mother our children with drugs.

Hurry up menstruation. Never been more keen to get hormonal bitch wife x

Woo! Lift off!

I can't wait until we have a baby. Somedays this urge is exciting and sometimes it is depressing because it hasn't happened yet.

The consultant has reviewed our application and is happy with my wifes medical/genetic and family history and we have our first consultation on Thursday. Perk of going private I suppose. Apparently they discuss what to expect and then we will hopefully have an appointment set up to get bloods and a scan to check everything is ok. The appointment takes an hour so not sure what they fill the time with.

It doesn't seem real at the moment that IVF may be a possibility and that on Thursday we are going to a fertility clinic. Part of me thinks if only we could do this at home still and it work and it be all simple and straight forward but it wasn't working for us and we didnt feel comfortable with home insemination and home donors and we are glad to be moving on.

Motivation.

We have applied for IVF!

Today we posted our application for IVF. Now we just wait to see if we can proceed to next stage= Bloods and scans. It all rests on if the consultant is happy with my wife's medical and genetic history (Not that there is anything serious). We briefly considered NHS route but are not keen on waiting times and having to have 6 failed IUI's before IVF and just want to jump to chase and have 40% success rate and not 12%.

On Tuesday we also went down to London for her blood test to check her hormone levels which are now down to almost normal levels after almost a year on meds! Great news. To top it all off, she lost 6.5 lbs this week. Superstar wife!!!

Enough of the known donor and home insemination business. It just felt wrong towards the end and it was just depressing. We are well aware that IVF can be a tough road but at least it has better statistics and it is all clean and clinical and the sperm comes in a vial and not a sterile wanking pot

X

Easter eggs

Introducing our baby, hopefully coming to a uterus in us soon

I don't want an Easter egg, I want a keen blastocyst x

Goodbye 10ml syringes

So once again our minds have changed. After much discussion we have decided to stop doing home inseminations. This cycle my eggs decided to randomly cling on to my ovaries and pop out a week late so the sperm last week was pretty much futile and then our donor cancelled on us for any further donations this month due to 'being ill'. We also decided that we are through with being at the mercy of donors and hoping they do not turn out to be complete and utter weirdos. Our current donor had a name on his profile which we took to be his (like you would) and the other day in a text, signed off with a completely different name, which although they have the right to privacy, just really made me think about what else he can lie about and just made us both feel really uneasy.

We have therefore decided to apply for NHS funding for iui/ivf in a clinic and go down that route instead. It is such a difficult and emotionally fraught journey and we are so ready to move on to the next stage because it doesn't feel like we are getting very far at all. My wife needs to lose 35 pounds first to meet the criteria and then we will start that ball rolling. It is all taking even longer than we ever imagined it would but fuck it right. We will get there and it will be so worth it.

Donation day

As I write this, sperm is very slowly hurtling itself through my cervix towards an egg. Though I have not got a positive ovulation test yet so I hope they pace themselves.

Not feeling too good about my timing this cycle. I am day 15 today and usually have a positive opk today and ovulate on day 16 but also had a day 17 and 18 too. I really do hope they pace themselves in there because it is the only donation I am getting this cycle!