Counselling

Yesterday we had our fertility counselling session which wasn't what we expected but was still nice. We expected more of a grilling, but actually it was more like a discussion on the ins and outs of sperm and egg donation from a legal point of view. We expected to be asked our feelings on a child knocking on our door in 18 years time, but this never came up. We didn't come away knowing anything more than what we already knew, though it was good to sit on a comfy sofa next to my wife and daydream about being parents and how good it will feel both being mums and equal legal parents someday to our children. I feel lucky to live in a country where we are afforded such a great thing. I feel happy too knowing that we will be giving half our eggs to another woman who will also become a mother, or at least expand her brood.

Following our counselling session we had our appointment to have bloods done to check for various infections and genetic things. At this appointment we also filled out the paperwork for the HFEA to become an official egg donor. My wife's physical stats were taken down and her interest and hobbies. We also filled a form out about our sperm donor requirements. The only sticking point for me, was that they wanted my height, weight and build for the sperm matching which I refused to give. Are they going to find a donor with breasts and a vagina? I can understand how this is relevent for a heterosexual couple where the man would like to find a donor with his frame etc but realistically this isn't applicable to me and I don't want my stats to assist with being matched with a man!

I told her that I would give this information to the DR when we saw him if it really was needed. She said it would be as it is important for 'welfare of the child'. I know I have several extra pounds and my BMI is more 35 than 25, but I am by no means in any category that would see me an unfit parent. I don't drink or smoke and I lead a healthy lifestyle, more so than many parents out there. Especially the ones on crack.

I have struggled with my weight and self image since I was a child and I am not paying a clinic £1000's of pounds to fuck me off and antagonise me. She also threw in that as I wanted to also do ivf in the future that her noting my weight down had some sort of relevance, like no, because when my time comes, my BMI will be 29, I will be getting matched with a female and not a man and it will be relevant.

I really like our clinic and everybody is so lovely, but I went to the appointment after a manic long stressful night shift and we were waiting for an hour between appointments due to a delay so it was lunchtime by the time we left and I was exhausted and a surprise weigh in just wasn't something that was going to happen, nor was my build (medium) getting noted on a sperm match form!

Before the appointment we went for breakfast at Carluccios, which was lovely and then we discovered a really great coffee shop with chesterman sofas and nice tasting coffee, somewhere that is going to become a regular I am sure. I love going to the clinic and a coffee date with my wife, though I hope we never have to face the day where the gods are not in our favour as we know that sometime we may have to face the downs that come with IVF sometimes.

I so want this to work first time

Happiness

I have the best wife ever. The past 3 years have been the happiest I have ever been. I honestly feel so incredibly lucky to have her in my life. From the day that I met her, she has made my life infinitely richer. She is so beautiful, caring and strong and I appreciate every day we have together. Yes we have days when we bicker or are too tired and stressed but we also have many days that melt away where only we exist.

She is my favourite person in the whole universe and I am so grateful to be in love with my best friend.

She is also doing fantastic with losing weight and is 25lb's down and only has 10lbs to go to get her BMI to 29. She plans to lose some more too but to get below 30 is the main goal. We are glad our clinic accepts bmi's below 35 if you are losing weight, because if we had to start all these testing stages once she had lost weight, we would be waiting even longer for this to happen. Ironically it was her slimming world leader who suggested our clinic as she had donated eggs and knew the BMI criteria, so it gave us the head start to apply at the start of her weight loss journey especially as we knew the process took on average 6 months

Someday I know we will great mums. I have faith that it will happen and when it does, it is going to be AWESOME

Sperm hunt

I am finding this wait now between appointments quite challenging. Thankfully life is busy at the moment so time is flying by and tomorrow it will be 2 weeks til our counselling session and 'big bloods.'

We have also been looking into our options more when it comes to sperm. Initially we just presumed we would use the clinics own bank, as it is cheaper initially and easier, but then we keep getting told of the shortage and how you could be waiting several months for a match and then you get very little information about the donor, just basic profile really. We have therefore decided that we are going to go down the route of importing sperm from Denmark, which initially costs £600 more but after 3 cycles we will recoup it back by saving £200 a cycle as sperm and shipping combined is cheaper than one vial in uk. The initial extra cost is £800 for a pregnancy slot, as in the UK only 10 families can be created from one donor and we have to pay for this law! I think it is a good thing but also a pain that we have to pay for a law we didn't create! It also is a joke because they could have 100 further children in Denmark anyway.

We briefly considered importing from America as they do not charge a pregnancy slot and meet this cost themselves and have a large selection of donors including adult pictures, but they do not buy back unused sperm and shipping is more costly and our clinic do not have a relationship with them like they do with the Danish one so they will charge us extra to import and store.

It is a minefield.

We will still have more choice in Denmark sperm bank than UK and can see a more in depth profile and baby photos. We want to have 2 or 3 children so obviously sperm is a long term investment in the mission to complete our family and we are thinking not only about baby no 1. but hopefully their brother and sisters to come :)

Seeing a baby photo will help ease my anxiety about inadvertently choosing a donor with ridiculously strong features that the child inherits and will ease that small place in my mind that will be trying to suss out if he or she resembles the donor. While I do not care ultimately who or what our children look like, I would love for them to look like my wife, because she is beautiful and I love her and I dislike the fact it will never be both our DNA in our bundles of Joy and so I at least want to see what the donor looks like so I know at least this much.

Roll on two weeks, so we can then sit around and do more waiting

Waiting for the next appointment...

We have got our appointment for counselling and further bloods in 4 weeks time. The bloods take 4 weekish to come back so hopefully in 8 weeks we will be on the list and waiting for a match and sperm. This can take days to months. We have mentally prepared ourselves for a 3 month wait, any longer than this and we plan to reassess, though I think there will be an element of we have waited this long. We are keen to avoid paying for a full price cycle as we are very keen to donate eggs too.

I want time to go quick but also realise we need to enjoy life outside of TTC too.

We have everything crossed x

AMH

Good news in our household. My wife not only has a awesome uterus/ovaries but her AMH level has come back and is 36 which puts her in the good bracket. I feel so relieved, as the wait really stressed me out. Not even a bath or chamomile tea worked.

Now we are waiting for the appointment for counselling and 'Big bloods' which test for any infections and make sure you do not carry cystic fibrosis or other possible serious conditions. Fingers crossed we don't have too many weeks to wait for the appointment.

One step nearer.

Eager Beaver

Yesterday we went into the clinic for a scan to check my wife's antra-follicle count which helps determine your ovarian reserve. We also had bloods taken to test AMH level. T was really scared prior to the scan and had convinced herself something would be wrong etc. Thankfully it all went well and her womb lining was thin, she had 24 follicles (16-30 is excellent) and the only downer was a 3cm fibroid that was tucked up in her upper uterine muscle which apparently will pose no problem due to it hiding out of the way. It was really cool getting to see T's uterus and ovaries and I just kept thinking that this is the room where our future child could be collected and where they could be put back in as cute bundles of cells and that one day when I look at a screen of my wife's uterus, I could be staring at our baby's heartbeat.

Afterwards we went for a walk in the park and for breakfast before T headed to work. It was really lovely and filled with positivity.

We now have to wait a week to get the blood results but we have everything crossed. Following that the next step would be big bloods to check for any genetic carrier problems and any infections.

Fingers crossed

My sister has penned the phrase 'Eager Beaver' to describe the journey.

Our first IVF consultation

This afternoon has been pretty lovely.

We had our first consultation today at the fertility clinic and we got a really nice vibe about the place. It is really friendly and they provide nice tea and coffee. Though we were both too nervous to drink anything. Next time we will for sure :) The nurse explained the procedure and we chatted about our options etc. My wife has to go back in 3 weeks or so after her next period to have bloods and a scan to make sure there are no problems. Hopefully that will be ok. If everything goes textbook we will hopefully be ready to commence by Nov/Dec depending on how long we wait for sperm etc. I feel excited. When she talked us through the process, it all started to feel very real. Sitting next to my beautiful wife as we watch our embryo/s getting put inside her uterus is going to be an amazing moment and I just keep focusing on this when everything gets overwhelming. I know after that you have the two week wait and potential BFN and even with a BFP the scope for a category of misfortunes, but right now all i want is that tiny cute little ball of cells and after that a baby would be very much appreciated.

Currently I am dreaming about a blastocyst rather than a baby. Our future blastocyst.

After our appointment we went for coffee and a walk along the river with our dog and held hands and talked and dreamed about everything we have to come. We do this a lot but today it just held more hope than usual

Ivf we know can be a tough old ride, but for now we are positive and energised and I honestly cannot wait to jab my best friend and future mother our children with drugs.

Hurry up menstruation. Never been more keen to get hormonal bitch wife x